Logical vs Creative Eaters

You are how you eat . A variation on an old aphorism..
There are two people I've known who eat in what I feel is an extremely methodical way and I
suppose there are others like them. These two stand indicted for being boring eaters. They
would be my cousin Ted and my brother Greg. My brother has passed on...but I am sure from
his perch in heaven he would agree that I tell no lie. He was a logical eater. No doubt about it.

My cousin Ted is still alive and so I will show him no mercy. Because I believe he has a disorder. It wouldn't surprise me at all if you find this pattern in your life, i.e. That you know someone who is a boring and overly logical step by step eater. I want to tell you how it works and then perhaps you will understand.
Here is how a logical eater eats.
Let's first assume a plate of food. When we want to apply science we always have to assume
something. That's how it all starts. When presented with a can of peas, a true scientist would
“assume a can opener” My cousin Ted is a scientist and so we will assume a plate of food for
him, It will consist of generic American food items, a supper meal. OK. What might we
assume will go on the plate?

How about the following

1. mashed potatoes
2. Peas
3. Squash
4. meat

The type of meat doesn't matter. This is the basic line up. You can add salad, but I prefer to
omit it, because he would use salad against me. He tries to make me look like the problem .
Just how is explained later. Alright this is what he would do.
1. eat the potatoes
2. eat the peas
3. eat the squash
4. eat the meat.

How exciting!

I am not sure what he does with Beverages but what ever it would be, it probably fits this
rather quirky pattern of being consumed in some kind of order, perhaps at the end, or in
between the squash and the meat.
Now here's one of the problems. If one had to sit opposite him at every meal for the rest of
time, that pattern would not vary. Not one iota. And so watching him eat would be punishing.
This was the way it was with my brother - I didn't say anything because he was bigger than
me.

Now what these types usually do is suggest this pathology doesn't exist and that they are
doing things the absolute right way, and they suggest that the way you eat is pathological .
Now, here is how I might do it.
I might have some potato. Then some meat. Then some peas. Then some potato and peas.
Then some potato squash and meat - all together. In other words, what I do would be
unpredictable. And it would never be the same. Well here's what the logical eater does.

They resort to insult. But it' s really a defense mechanism”


“The way you eat - you might as well put your food in a blender and sip it thru a straw”
Ok, this is a rather good come back to defend his pathological eating style, pathological in that his eating style is annoying. Too predictable.

My retort was just as flaming: “The way you eat makes counting to a billion sound like fun” To which he might reply “I could program my calculator to do that but I wouldn't waste the battery”

Maybe it comes down to this. When we have to be exposed to this style of eating we should
just realize that are some flaws in others that we just have to accept. They can't help
themselves.“You eat like a kid with ADHD at recess, you don't know what he will do next”
“Good one. But when they invented the word drudgery they were thinking of you at dinner”
“Eat your peas...Oh... and I think your squash comes next”

What was a little annoying about him is - he would do just that, and then smile.
So, if you run in to this type, try not to let them get to you. I have done a limited survey consisting of only my wife, but since she's been to nearly every resturant on the north shore of Mass, and with some very experienced diners going along with her, she has not seen anyone do anything like what my cousin does. She makes an exception of my Nephew DJ. The only anomoly she mentioned about him was that he would not allow one food to touch another. She "thinks" he "might" have saved his meat for last. But she isn't sure.

I am sure we can assume a larger research sample would yeild the same results, and that the creative eating style of eating would win the day. I could create a poll. But I am sure the ballot would be stuffed be gerrymandering logical eating bigots. They can't stand being wrong.

Ok now for the bit about the salad. I said I would get to it. My cousin would eat that up front.
Just as it would be served at a restaurant, and use the fact that it is usually served first, as
an example of how normal eating things one by one is. If I have a choice I admit I would not want my salad up front. I'd want it right there with the rest r of it, so that I can can have more options. But he would say?
"That's an out right symptom," he would argue that point - especially since salad is a mixture and I might grab several items and identify myself as abnormal by scooping up some potato with the salad and that makes having a variety of foods pointless. But what would he do? Eat the lettuce, then the tomato, then the onion? What else, why break custom?

I have made up my mind not to complicate this matter by adding a slice of bread to this argument. He'd have a field day with that. So would I. Ah...where to place it in his unnatural order of things. Surely not after the meat, the meat must go last.

In a restaurant you might get soup and salad first, I can tolerate that.
When in Rome, do as the Romans do - up to a point. Overall - bear something in mind. - you can't annoy a logical eater by being creative. They can only annoy you. They are too focused on what comes next. That is a bit unfair.
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